Doldrums, Fatigue, and Carelessness

I have never pictured myself as prone to depression but lately I've felt stagnant, unmotivated and down in the dumps. I am in a slump of a sorts and I can't seem to climb out as a matter of fact lately I could care less if I did or did not climb out at this point in time.

I don't know the exact cause of this lack of motivation however the weather here has been clearly un-spring like and more fall like. It could be attributed to my lack of personal growth as of late or it could have to do with the changes taking place in my life particularly in my place of employment. The whole system is being broken down at work right now, people are leaving or changing positions and I seem to be the only one who has stayed put in their current position.

Maybe I feel like I'm being left behind or out of the game?

Bee Hive Pictures

Here are a few pictures I took of my bee hives. I've built two Kenya style top bar hives. There are advantages and disadvantages to this style of hive among the advantages is the ease of access to the inside of the hive, I don't have to tear the whole thing apart in order to inspect the hive and there is a minimal amount of intrusion thus leading to less stress for the bees themselves. The excess honey that is produced in the hive is less than with a standard Langstroth hive but then again I'm looking at a sustainable method for keeping bees that is more of a symbiotic relationship than a pillage and plunder attitude to bee keeping. I want my bees to live on the honey they produce instead of artificial feed, after all bees naturally produce honey to survive on.


The first picture is Hive 1 with some top bars and follower boards in place to kind of give you an idea of what it will look like with everything in place except the top bars will cover the whole hive when the bees are inside. The three holes are the entrances the bees will use to move in and out of the hive. The follower boards are used to control the space the bees occupy as the colony grows I can expand the space by moving the follower boards and installing more top bars that the bees will build honey comb on.



Picture number two is a bees eye view of the inside of Hive 2. You can see the top bars above that the bees will build their comb on for honey and brood.

My bees will be arriving in early May, I'm hoping the weather will be bee friendly by then.

I guess I'm going to have to make a bee blog and explain things better.

Spring is Springing!

Although it is still cold and wintry here in Western NY the signs of spring abound. Little yellow flowers (I don't know what kind they are and I don't own a digital camera, sorry) are popping up in the backyard where the snow has melted enough to show the ground, Robins, Cardinals, and Mourning Doves are making themselves known in song as are the Canadian geese that fly over head in big noisy flocks - different than the handful seen huddling on the icy Erie Barge Canal throughout the winter months here. I also saw my first Turkey Buzzard of the year yesterday while driving the New York State Thruway.
My bees arrive in a little more than a month and my hives are almost complete and ready for their occupants I hope the weather is good when they get here, it is so unpredictable in the spring.

Growing Interests and Disappointments

Well it looks like the book store is on hold for now. I got a rejection letter from the people running the class to tell me they have filled all the spaces available. I don’t, at this point in my life, think have the time to run a bookstore right now. I have two children that take up much of my free time and a full time job that does well in paying the bills.

My wife and I have struggled financially for a long time now and through wisdom and years of working hard things are beginning to get better for us. They aren’t great but they are better. We’ve made a lot of changes in our views of money and spending, long ago we cut up our credit cards and haven’t gone back. If we don’t have the money we don’t buy it. Things like food and our health are more important than getting something we want instead of need.

However, I see an opening for another interest I’ve had for a few years now, bee keeping. I came across some plans for a Top Bar hive that is easy to build and cheaper than needing to buy all kinds of equipment to keep the “standard” hive up and running. There is a rise in people who think it’s best to let the bees do their thing without a lot of interference –imagine that allowing the bees, who know what is best for them, to do what comes naturally. I’m all for the “organic” approach and if I get some yummy honey out of the deal then all the better for me, if not then that's ok too.

At first when I got the idea I looked on line and was really disappointed at the prices of equipment out there for the standard hive. It could cost me about $400.00 just for the hive and all the pieces that go with it. That doesn’t include the hat and veil for protecting my face, a smoker and the bees! I can build a Top Bar hive for about $40.00 and I’ve done a lot of reading that say’s smokers are good but optional depending on the aggressiveness of the bees that goes for the hat and veil for my face too, however it would make me feel more comfortable having one. I don’t mind getting stung, I’ve been stung many times in my life so gloves are optional too and they can just get in the way.

I’ve heard the honey bees are having trouble in the U.S.A and around the world due to a lot of factors, some are disease and others have to do with pesticides and attempting to force the bees to do things they just don’t naturally do, like produce and over abundance of honey so greedy people can sell it for a profit.

So for me managing some honey bees would be my contribution to helping the little critters out, by letting them do what they do best without a lot of interference. I also think it’s pretty interesting and if I get some honey for all my effort then that’s good too.

I’m hoping to have some money together soon to build a hive or two and maybe by spring I will have some bees too!

I will keep you posted!

Favorite Quotes

Here are just a few of my favorite quotes. I've been collecting quotes for a few years now and have quite a collection. Don't know why I do it but sometimes they come in handy when I'm looking for just the right words to express what I'm trying to get across to another person and lack my own words to do it.

"To acknowledge that each of us at the table will eventually be part of the meal is not just being "realistic". It is allowing the sacred to enter and accepting the sacramental aspect of our shaky temporary personal being."

- Gary Snyder -

"Fierceness is an expression of inner strength; violence is an expression of frustrated, unconscious impotence."

-Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly-

"you own your life. You are the sole owner of your life, and you are the sole owner of your actions. By extension, you own everything you trade parts of your life for. If you spend time and energy hunting for herbs in the forest, you own those herbs because you traded part of your life for them. If you spend an hour working for someone in exchange for money, you own that money for the same reason. You own everything that comes to you as a result of your own efforts-- whether you like it or not."

-definition of freedom / Wiccan Rede-

"Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the

limits of the world. "

-Unknown-

This last is my ultimate favorite of them all!

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to

skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly

proclaiming- WOW what a ride!"

-Author Unknown

It's Called Loyalty Dam It! (Another post on being a man)

Loyalty:

1. The state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

2. Faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.

3. An example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

Hawk's Cry has an interesting article on loyalty and although it pertains to Pagans and community I see parallels to my current home life situations.

A family is a community and in order for that community to survive its occupants must be loyal to each other and the community in general. This means remaining loyal to the members of the community through thick and thin. Being present during the hard times as well as the good, feast and famine.

March of 2007 saw the unexpected death of my father in-law the family has undergone the usual upheaval and mourning that is typical in these situations. I went through the same thing when my father died almost twelve years ago. The healing process after loosing a loved one, especially a parent or spouse, is long and arduous no doubt about it, but what has happened in my wife’s family is shocking to me. There seems to be a lack of loyalty, on the part of my brother’s in-law, to their mother. I don’t care who you are if your spouse dies after some forty years of marriage I would think the hole that is left is much bigger and harder to cope with than what the children go through. I’m not trying to demean the feelings of the children but, at least to me, sharing a bed with someone for forty years and then suddenly that person isn’t there any longer has got to be a bigger adjustment to make than coming to terms with the loss of a parent especially when the children of that person have long ago left the nest to start lives of their own. Sure its hard to loose a parent, someone you’ve known your whole life and who you have depended on for guidance and nurturing but, to have been intimate with someone, to have shared a bed and built a life with someone, to have been their spouse is a totally different matter. One night you’re sharing a bed and then suddenly your alone in that bed and faced with never sharing it again with that one person who has been there for years.

It appears that my wife’s two brothers, who are supposed to be grown adults, one of which is a father himself, can’t be bothered to be around during the hard times, those times when mom is frustrated and angry or overcome with grief, when she is furious with her husband for leaving her alone, or when she just needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. They can’t be bothered to be there for her when she needs someone to lean on. They can’t be bothered to be there when she needs a hand mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, installing a new light fixture or other things she can’t do her self.

Where is their loyalty Dam It? I can’t see this woman denying either one of them when they were younger and needed mommy to hug, cry with or kiss a bruised knee. I can’t see her saying “too bad I can’t deal with your constant needs.” Mothers, good mothers don’t do that (neither do good fathers for that matter, but that’s another posting). But when the tables are turned and she needs the help or tender loving care, they can’t be bothered to return the favor, after years of loyalty from their mother they now choose to turn their backs on her. What pathetic excuses for men they are. They can’t even be placed anywhere near the definition of what a man is!

The day that my father in-law died it was my wife who took her mother to make the funeral arrangements. It was my wife who took her mother to the financial adviser and the bank to make sure that all the proper financial arrangements were made and that her mother would have enough money to live out the rest of her days. It was my wife who went to the lawyer and helped her mother create a will.

I on the other hand have become the surrogate son, I have changed the light fixtures, fixed the dripping faucet and taken out the garbage and other countless things for her and I expect nothing in return because that is what family does for each other.

These other two, the “men” in the family were only concerned and still are only concerned with what they will get out of the deal. Two days after his death they were already dividing up their fathers belongings and you can guess who got most of the stuff. My wife on the other hand got very little she received her father’s rosary and another small item. My father in-law had begun collecting pieces for a large scale garden train, according to her brothers she wasn’t even entitled to a piece of that, however, my mother in-law did make sure that the grandchildren each got a piece of it so we now have two cabooses that will be displayed prominently for all to see.

When the going gets tough for my mother in-law she can’t rely on her sons to help her out because they don’t want to hear it. The youngest is in his late thirties and lives alone and when my mother in-law is having a bad day and wants a shoulder to cry on she can’t go to him because “he can’t handle it.” I want to say, “Too bad, buck up you little baby and start dealing with it!” When she is having a bad day and is mad at the world and needs to spout off she can’t go to her boys for support because they “can’t handle it.” What a sorry couple of excuses for men they are, they really piss me off! Where Is the Loyalty Dam It?

There have been many an evening in the past several months where my wife and I have had plans and we get a phone call or a knock on the door and it’s my mother in-law crying just having a bad day and all she wants is someone to talk to. So we cancel our plans, take off our coats, make coffee or set an extra place at the table for dinner and we talk. Eventually she is laughing once again and goes home feeling better than when she came to us. We give her what she needs, respect, love, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend. It doesn’t matter if it’s ten O’clock at night or three in the afternoon, we make ourselves available to her. Sure we get frustrated sometimes but we stick with her through the tough times and the easy times too. Why? Because that’s what families do dam it! It's Called Loyalty Dam It!

The two boy’s are too wound up in themselves to care about anything else, they just stand there with their hands out expecting as many of their fathers possessions as they can get their hands on, thinking that they deserve if for some reason. My wife and I? We don’t care about the possessions, sure there are a few things that we wouldn’t mind having to remind us of my father in-law but what’s more important is we care about her mother and want her to be alright. Why because that’s what families do dam it! There’s more, there’s a whole lot more that I could say but I think I’ve made my point.

So tenet number one of my “what it takes to be a man” list of tenets is: Loyalty Dam it! Loyalty to the family community, loyalty to the ones who where there to care for you when you were growing up and gave you unconditional love. Loyalty to those who dropped everything at a moments notice to help you, Loyalty to those who guided you and interrupted their lives so they could make sure that you had everything you needed to make you feel safe and secure, to help you grow and be the person you are today. And if you didn’t grow up in a family that gave you unconditional love and support then at least if you have a family now or your own, show your loyalty to them with unconditional love and support.

Some day those two boys will be looking for loyalty from their children but I doubt they will get it because they don’t know the meaning of the word and if you don’t know it, you can’t teach it.

Without Loyalty you cannot have community and without community you are alone in the world.

New Year Goals!

With the New Year comes a new and refreshed hope for a more prosperous year than the last. I always seem to get wrapped up in the excitement of the moment with a fresh beginning and have a need to make promises to myself that I can’t or have no real intention of fulfilling. However there are a few things that have seemed to take root in my life within the past several years that I plan on continuing to cultivate through this new year.

My wife and I have been working hard over the past year to gain control over our finances with some success, it is my hope that we continue this trend in this year and finally vanquish the monetary monster that has haunted us for so long.

I have been working for several years on understanding myself and what it means to be a man and my chosen spiritual path of Paganism. I hope to continue this journey of personal growth in this year with several new avenues and opportunities that cropped up within 2007 that are, I feel, in some way connected to my spiritual growth and personal understanding.

My diet for one is horrible and with a family history of high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and a father that died from a stroke at the young age of 62 places me on a path of wanting to improve my diet and over all health. Let’s just say that vegetables and I don’t exactly see eye to eye and I want to change that in this year or at least begin to change. I want to come to some sort of compromise with vegetables where they don’t scare the hell out of me and I agree to eat them more often. My long range goal is to change my diet so that I eat more vegetables than meat and have meat as more of a flavoring to my meals than being the main course. This will be the hardest challenge for me in this year than any other I face.

My town lacks a book store, something that I find unusual (I love books). I have often thought that a nice little corner new/used book store would be an added plus for the little city I live in. Lacking knowledge and finances to carry out such a venture has held me back from at least giving it a try or pursuing what it might take to implement such a venture. Toward the end of 2007 an opportunity opened up for me in the form of a classified ad in our local news paper, for a special class being made available to people in my county interested in starting up a business. The great thing is that I will not only learn about what it takes to start a business and learn to create a business plan etc. but, at the end of the class I could be eligible for a loan that would cover start up costs for my business. I have successfully completed the first step in this venture, It is a county run program and I had to fill out and application for it. Today is the day it was put in the mail. Now I have to wait for an interview and then see if they think I am a good candidate the class. I’m not sure where it will lead me but at least I am taking the opportunity to try which, in it’s self, for me, is huge!

All these things reflect maturity and growth within me and my hope is that, even if I don’t reach all of my goals I at the very least continue to grow from the experiences I have with attempting to reach them.

Happy New Year Everyone! ! !